Stupid DSL provider!

So, I'm losing my static IP address.  Since changing it means re-memorizing a 9-digit string that I've had stuck in my head since 2001, this is a Bad Thing, and I'm not all *that* loyal to my current DSL carrier.  (In fact, when I can get FiOS, it's Game Over, man.)

What I need, as a result, is a FreeBSD Virtual Private Server.  Of course, all of the shops providing that tell me that they don't cheap out.  If I use their service, I get "dedicated" high-performance CPU reservations, and a "guaranteed" 1GB+ of RAM, along with top-tier performance on an enterprise-grade storage array, unlike "those other guys."

Listen, pals.  I'm trying to migrate a server that's currently running on a cut-rate desktop with a 5-year old CPU, a slow-as-shit desktop hard drive, and 256 MB of RAM.  Stop telling me that you're not like all those other providers, and POINT ME TO ONE OF THE OTHER PROVIDERS.

Seriously, I don't need performance, I need a sandbox, a few dozen gigs of cheap storage, and no goddamned questions.  Why that's apparently so much to ask for, I don't know.